Hey everyone,
Stephen here. It’s been a long minute since my last Substack newsletter. I was really excited to start this new project back at the beginning of the year… and then my life kind of, well, fell apart.
Back in early March, my mom fell suddenly ill and went into the hospital. And unfortunately, she passed away only a few weeks later.
For most of my life, my sweet mama has had to deal with all manner of health complications involving her digestive system. Doctor appointments, treatments and surgeries have been the norm for our family, and to be honest, we thought we were past the worst of it. But another complication arose in the middle of the night, and because of a perfect storm of circumstances that started swarming her body, it became too much. And we, as a family (including her) had to make the extremely difficult choice to let her go. But little did we know, the “perfect storm” was not over yet.
Just a week after her funeral (which was an amazing, beautiful and worship-filled experience), a violent EF3 tornado ripped through the middle of my hometown, destroying multiple neighborhoods (including my childhood street), my high school, the iconic Methodist church, and my uncle’s cabin. And to top it all off, my parents’ house was also badly damaged.
All this to say, my life came to a screeching halt in March. And I am still recovering from it all.
I’m Doing OK
So many beloved friends have reached out during this time. The consistent question has been “How are you doing, friend?”
It’s an impossible question to answer. Because not only does grief look different every month, week and day… but it looks different for every person, as well. I am no stranger to grief, having lost my cousin and best friend Todd when I was 9. But there is absolutely nothing like losing your own mother… and especially one who was THE BEST MAMA on the entire planet (and I will fight you to the death over this! LOL)
Overall, I’m doing OK, I guess. The grief comes in waves, as they say… sometimes the wave is a month long, sometimes a week or only a day. These days, the waves comes in shorter bursts throughout each day.
In reality, the truest and deepest answer I can give is “I contain multitudes.” Because there are multiple things that are true all at the same time. Heartbreak. Gratitude (for her love and her life.) Shock. Acceptance. Unbelief. Numbness. Resilience and hope for the future. Creative bursts of energy that I know would make her so proud. And absolute lethargy and lack of motivation to do anything at all. All of this… swirling around inside of me, overlapping, and contradicting each other in an exhausting, life-taking, and life-giving dance.
The other question I get a lot is “How is your dad doing?” I can honestly say, I am VERY PROUD of my father. It has been excruciating to watch him endure this life-altering reality… both losing the love of his life (married 52 years) and (almost) losing his house in the same month. (Their dog Belle also died a few months later.)
But my dad is such an incredibly strong person of faith. And for an elderly man in the South, he is extremely good at expressing his emotions in a healthy and transparent way. It has been very hard and depressing for him, especially as he’s had to move (temporarily) into a retirement home while his house is reconstructed. But he also has resilience and hope, especially in Christ. We have laughed and cried together so much these past few months… and I have grown stronger as a man and as a follower of Christ because of his example.
AND… the extensive repair on his house is almost complete!!! Just in time for the holidays! (A massive thanks to my nephew Jonathan, who is the General Contractor overseeing reconstruction!)
Moving On
2023 has been the hardest year of my life. A year of absolute tragedy, grief, and crisis. So needless to say, my new monthly Substack project took a backseat.
But no longer…
I’m finally feeling the motivation to step into this rhythm… and to start sharing some beauty with you all once again. And there is much to share in the coming days that I am very excited about!! Here are a few things you can expect from this newsletter in the days ahead, plus a few fun updates:
Instead of a monthly scheduled email, I’m just going to be more casual and share art as I have it to share. That might mean multiple emails a month… and it may mean a month or two will go by without a word. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Each email/newsletter will focus on a piece of art that I have created, such as a cinematic meditation of aerial/drone footage set to music. My goal is for this Substack community to be the first to see anything before I post to social media. You guys get priority from here on out!
Some exciting news!! Somehow, in the middle of this awful year, I finished my first ever book!!! All of the editing and photo curation is finally done. The publisher is nearing the completion of the design process. And the design comps look so beautiful! I am very pleased with it so far.
Are you ready for the title reveal???
WILD WONDER: What Nature Teaches Us About Slowing Down and Living Well
“Wild Wonder” will be hybrid photo-book with reflections on metaphors in nature and simple practices for, you guessed it, slowing down and living well. It’s set to release in September of 2024. And this newsletter will be the primary way to stay in the loop as we near its release!!!
A few last things to share:
Sometimes I have something simple to share (an album, film trailer, video, photo) but don’t want to send a whole post/email about it. With Substack’s new CHAT feature (via the Substack app), I can send out quick links without filling up your inbox. It’s like Twitter/X but without the toxic drama. haha
I embraced the horrible opportunity to capture the tornado damage in my hometown of Wynne, Arkansas. I used the drone that my mom bought my dad for their 50th wedding anniversary and set it to a soundscape called “Debris” created by my friend Tony Anderson. You can watch it here:
March 2023 Tornado Path in Wynne, AR
(you can also watch a few other tornado damage videos on my YouTube channel if you’d like to see more.)
When I was in the hospital with my mom, I curated a playlist of peaceful, calming music to help comfort her. Art can be such a powerful form of healing and therapy for the suffering, and multiple doctors and nurses reminded me of this back in March. I wish that I could have done more for her during those days, but this was one of those efforts. And I wanted to share the playlist I made for her: Music for Healing (for Apple Music only… sorry Spotify users.)
I had the unbelievable and heart-wrenching privilege of giving the eulogy at my mom’s funeral. If you would like to read it, I’ve posted it here:
For those of you walking through grief, I want to share a video that a friend sent me. This is an interview with Andrew Garfield on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. I really love the way Andrew describes his grief, as he too recently lost his mom. "I Hope This Grief Stays With Me"
Lastly, I want to leave you all with a photo of my beautiful mom, Irene Alice Nix Proctor. This was taken when her first-ever great grandchild was born (Calla Jane Caubble, my great niece!!) just days before she went into the hospital. And it’s now become my family’s favorite photo of her.
Thank you all for your time and patience, especially for those of you who read this far down. Sharing the art that I get to create is one of the greatest joys of my life. And I’m very grateful to anyone who stops long enough to appreciate it.
My mom was my number one fan. And so much of the creativity that I have, as well as my love of nature/creation, comes from her. So thank you to all of you who continue to follow along and enjoy the things that I create. I hope it enriches your life in deeply profound and calming ways.
Peace be with you,
Stephen
Love you, as always. Grateful you found the words at last and the rhythm is calling you to keep stepping into the beauty you make. The way you see the world is a gift, the way you translate it and bring it to us even more of a gift. Kia kaha, e hoa o toku ngakau. x
Blessings 🙏 Thank you for sharing this space with us. I'm looking forward to what's to come